Mr. Zombie
Goes to Washington

It’s not that hard being a zombie. Rumors of the zombie apocalypse as well as numerous books and movies had
made people more and more aware of the dangers zombies posed. If they actually cared to believe that we existed
that is. Most didn’t. That helped. That we aren’t really shuffling around, wearing bandages, flesh dropping from
our bones also helps. That only happens in Hollywood—and when we can’t get enough human brains. If you
actually meet a zombie in rotted condition, he’s been without proper zombie nutrition for some time and is
probably near death. Real death, he will cease to exist, fade turn to dust and no longer be among the walking dead.

This is why; contrary to popular opinion, there won’t be a zombie apocalypse. We live on human brains, and if
there were to be a zombie apocalypse, we would run out of food. True we can make due with any living flesh,
but we cannot survive for long without the special nutrients found in human brains.

A zombie can actually absorb much of the nutrition he needs from a living brain without killing the host—again
contrary to popular opinion.

I’ve been a zombie for many years, living peacefully in a small rural community. I’m actually fairly well liked and
respected—a leader in my local church. Going to church every Sunday has helped me absorb the nutrients I need
to stay healthy. Most people here never even notice what they lose, as most aren’t that smart to begin with.

I never thought I would be interested in politics. I like my small community and as a leader in the local church, I
follow the golden rule and do onto others (except for that little brain nutrient draining I do twice a week). And I
work hard to set a good example. So I guess in some ways I’m a community leader also.

When our last representative died in office and the governor was looking to make a quick appointment—
somehow my name got forwarded to him and I was nominated. The folks in my community lobbied and cajoled
and I soon found myself headed to Washington D.C.—there to represent the people who had sustained me for
many years.